East Texas Weenie Roast

Deer season has come to an end here in East Texas.  I am not a deer hunter so I am not sure when the exact date is that deer season ends.  I only know that  it officially ended a couple of weekends ago when the Kingtown Hunting Club held their "End of the Season" cook out.  On the last weekend, they all get together and have an overnight wild game cook out. Mostly it is just another reason to go out in the woods and  drink.   "End of the Season Cook Out" sounds so much better than "A weekend of Booze, BS and camouflaged jumpsuits", but that is actually what it is.

At the end of the 2012 Deer season, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Biologists will publish the stats on deer populations, deer health, and landowner management.  They will also publish the dark stats of hunting accidents, the numbers of hunters accidentally killed, or wounded,  the number of livestock that were mistaken for deer and the count of vehicles that got shot up from accidental firearm discharges.  One category of statistic that will be missing is the "End of Season Cookout Mishap".

At the cookout, there was supposed to be some official Kingtown Hunting Club business matters but those were short lived.  Elections for the 2013 officers was supposed to take place but things went down hill after a drunken Jay Weems tried to "Rap" his campaign speech along with a background posse made up of his brother-in-law, Calvin Bruckman and Ronnie Till.  The three of them had planned on having a rehearsal beforehand but they ended up drinking  instead.  Jay put a CD into the player and started prancing around the campfire with  an antler as a make-believe microphone, while Calvin tried to do some heel to toe popping as he motioned the slim shady chop.  Ronnie swayed in the background using a beer can as his imaginary scratching turntable.  With the total lack of rehearsing and an ill-conceived idea, it wound up with the three of them staring at each other, while they each tried to goad the other into doing something beyond what they were doing. Then they started calling each other names and it almost devolved into a fist fight between the three of them when all of a sudden, they were pelted  with empty beer cans and yelled at to "sit the hell down".  Calvin started arguing  with everyone but he got drowned out at the point where he accused the Kingtown Hunting Club of being a bunch of something or another neanderthals.  That meant a lot coming from a guy wearing camouflage and holding a deer antler.

The part of the cookout that will evade the TPWD statistics is what happened later in the early morning hours.  Most of the guys had made their way back to their campers and tents.  There were a few still hanging in but were winding down.  Calvin was pouring the remains of his beer onto the campfire to extinguish it.  As soon as he did that, David Murphy scream out loud and started lecturing the group about the sins of wasting beer like that.  He loudly proclaimed, "Here, Ah'll show you how to put out a fire!"  With that he, he took his beer can and tucked it between his chin and chest.  Now, with his hands free, he unzipped his pants and assumed the position for urinating on a fire.  He held his hands out to side like he was getting ready to do a swan dive.   With his neck muscles clenched tight against the beer can, he yelled "Look Ma, no hands,,This is the way you put out a fire!!"  He giggled at himself as he stood next to the campfire, eyes closed, with arms outstretched, all the while peeing on the fire.

Here is where the cow gets killed, or a car window gets shot out.

In his less than sober state, Dave started swaying like a pendulum, first left and right, then forward and backward. The swaying got worse and worse until it reached the point of no return. Dave fell forward into the fire.  Luckily, he caught himself with his hands and ended up in a downward dog pose,, over the fire,, with his pants unzipped and a full beer emptying into his face.  He gurgled something along the lines of "abba dabba 911, abba dabba 911,,,Ahma God".   There are two EMTs, a Doctor and a couple of Lawyers in the hunting club and the best they could do was yell, "Don't waste yer beer, Dave!!".   Dave's face was a bright cherry red, possibly exaggerated by the close proximity of the fire.  He was trying to avoid the fire by wiggling his butt in the air.  Gradually he got his feet close enough together to donkey kick himself off the fire but not soon enough to avoid taking some heat in the hinter regions, if you know what I mean.  As Dave laid on the ground writhing in pain, the group slowly came to the realization that Dave had truly gotten hurt. They did not Abba Dabba 911, but they did get him into a car, load his crotch up with ice and drive him to the hospital.

From what I hear, Dave is doing okay. He is out of the hospital but He won't go into details about his injury.  The only thing I have heard for sure is that he and his fiance Trisha, have postponed their wedding date until May.

The stories behind the story

Since moving to the country, I have noticed that the "Police Beat" type articles in the newspaper have more meaning in a small city than they do in a large city.  An ambulance run report in Austin would be pretty simple because chances are the reader will never know what happened to "John Doe" or why he was being treated for cuts and bruises.  Was it a car accident?  Domestic Abuse?  Industrial Accident?  In big cities you never know that background story.  In a small city, it is quite the opposite.  Someone knows someone who knows something about what happened, therefore, everyone knows what happened.

As an example, last month there were two items that on first glance were minor run reports for the Volunteer Fire Department First Responders.

Dec 3rd - Ambulance response  to County Road 283 for non-life threatening injuries. Fire fighters had to break down a door to gain access to the patient, Dale (DB) Benson.  Mr. Benson was treated on scene for lacerations to the head, a dislocated finger and a possible concussion.

What happened to DB?  Through the grapevine I found out that DB fell while in the bathroom.  Turns out he was trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle while on the toilet.  He had been in there for quite awhile and DB's wife, Sarah,  got concerned.  She knocked on the bathroom door to see if he was okay.  This evidently startled  DB and he hurriedly got up from the pot, not realizing that his legs had fallen asleep.  While trying to stabilize on wobbly legs, he grabbed at a towel bar that gave way to his weight and he started to fall.  As the towel bar came loose, DB fell against the wall and slid along it in a long arc that ended when his head connected with the vanity. He laid on the floor, knocked out cold.  Sarah could not open the door and had no idea what happened so rightfully, she called the EMTs.

Word of DBs accident made the rounds and pretty quickly, everyone was aware of the incident.  Which brings us to the second article:

Dec 9th - Ambulance response to report of disoriented person wandering around in the parking lot of Delaney's Hardware.  The patient, Ronnie Till, was  found dazed and confused in the parking lot.  He was given first aid and transported to Lufkin Memorial Hospital.  Mr. Till was released after being treated for a minor concussion, and multiple hematomas.

The background?  DB Benson was in Delaney's having coffee and socializing with the guys that hang out there.  They were trading stories and telling lies, when Ronnie Till came running in with a Sudoku puzzle book.  Ronnie, yelled out, "Time me" and he started solving the puzzle.  Actually, he was just filling it in with gibberish, when he yelled out "DONE",, He looked straight at DB and asked "How long was that?  20 seconds?  That ain't so hard" and he started laughing, thinking he had pulled the funniest joke ever.   DB did not find it funny at all.  He screeched out, "Damn you Ronnie Till!" followed by a stream of obscenities as he started chasing after Ronnie. Ronnie ran for the door suddenly discovered that the Delaney;s door is a pull not a push to open.  He ran full speed into the door and fell back hard onto the ground.  The dull thud of his head hitting concrete made everyone shudder. Despite the shock of hitting the ground, he was able to jump  up, gathered his senses and ran at the door in an second attempt to get out of  DB's way.  This time, in his dazed state, he was off center and as he yanked the door open, he hit himself in the forehead with the door.  Everyone in the store started laughing, including DB who was doubled over and incapacitated by laughter.  That was probably for the best because Ronnie was wandering around the parking lot like a drunken sailor on the deck of a rolling ship. He wandered around the parking lot and occasionally talked to the coke machine out front.  Everyone kept an eye Ronnie as they waited for the EMT's to show up.

So, there is the stories behind the stories.

Maybe it is for the best that we do not know the back story of these reports.